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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Freak with out a leash's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, June 17th, 2008
9:35 pm
Out of The Bubble
So on my way back to LA today i stopped in Santa Barbara to have dinner/fro-yo with hannah. We went to this cute little frozen yogurt place with this super hott chick behind the counter...

ok back to the story.. so hannah and i left and hannah says to me.. do you ever think ppl talk about you when your in places... and i thought she was referring to ppl that work somewhere when they trash talk shitty customers.

and i was like what do you mean..?

and she said ppl were looking at you in there....

I am so used to being in santa cruz.. where i am just like everyone else.. n ppl dont judge you by ur hair or the clothing you wear.

i bet they were trying to figure out if i was a grl and if i was gay..

Wednesday, January 23rd, 2008
8:16 pm
4years baby.. and i still miss you more than ever.

I hope that wherever you are that you are happy.. you always made everyone else happy.. and you deserve to be happy.


Wednesday, October 10th, 2007
11:52 pm
Today was really great
This week we have been doing Rush for my frat. Today was "show and tell." I brought a picture of Orlando that I keep on my desk. I talked about Orlando's life and what an amazing person he was and is. I realized today more than ever I really miss him. I wish that he were here today. I was shaking while I was talking about him and I really was completly honest about his life. I feel so amazing right now. It's been a long time since I have actually talked about Orlando. It was very healthy for me. Everyone in the room listened to me and knew that I was not asking for a pity party.
I cried recently, but I also felt really great to open my mouth.

I love you Orlando.
Wednesday, October 3rd, 2007
11:26 pm
Finally a chance to breath. I am afraid that I may have over consumed myself this quarter. However, I better think positive and believe that I can handle it.
I have a full course load, am secretary of my frat, work 15hrs a week (only get paid for 8) and have just started my own organization. I am fucking tired and it has only just began.

Tomorrow night queer mixer.. looking forward to that.

weird. .i have ran into annika at least 5times in the last week. weird when we were together we never ran into each other.. my tummy still turns when i see her.. i wish her the best in her future relationships. and i realize lately.. i am happy that i was involved with someone that would not dare trash talk me.. shes more mature than that.
Sunday, September 23rd, 2007
11:25 pm
The way I pictured this day two months ago and what actually happened were complete opposites. Two months I pictured seeing annika for the first time all summer. Today I realize I miss not necassrilly her.. but I miss the idea of having that somebody. Summer I was fine because I was away from the "cruz." Now I am back and reality sets in.

My place is really kewl. Great little area. Far enough away from school that I am happy. I look forward to this year. In all reality I dont know what to expect, but I am very excited
Monday, September 3rd, 2007
6:31 pm
I would not allow her to see me cry. I would not allow her to know that I was hurt. My way of getting rid of the problem was a one worded solution, "Whatever." You know I am fine without her. I dont need her or anybody in my life. In some ways this is such a positive way of looking at life, however, will you really ever completley fall for someone with all of your heart?

I'm frightened of letting someone see me at my weak point. I am petrified of taking my huge wall down. To the world I appear like a cold hearted bitch. I love being in control in a relationship. I like being two steps ahead. So if she decides to hurt me I am already prepared and ready to move on. WTF.. When did this happen to me. When did I become this disgusting and dispecable. I would never date someone like me.

I really gave Jackie my heart and she stepped all over it. I refuse to keep blaming her for issues that I am having now. I will be 40 and still blaming her. I cannot let that happen. I am way to good at separating my emotions in a relationship. When Jackie broke my heart I walked away and cried in a corner. I did not allow anyone to see me this vulnerable. Then weeks later my walls started coming up. I met this great girl who was a genuinly kind hearted person. I know that we are not currently together but she taught me so much about myself and that not all women are crazy mo fos.

I was not the greatest person in the world to her. I did not allow or want her to truly know me. I wanted to be able to walk away and not shed a tear when we broke up. I could not let her see me vulnerable. When I kissed or touched her it was such a "whatever" feeling. As in I am fine tomorrow if I never see her again. I did not let her in. I was frightend and scared shitless. But I did not let her know that. She just thought I was a 'strong woman". Hell no. I am a damn baby but she cant know that. i wanted her to break me and shatter my walls but she didnt. In turn my walls kept getting bigger. I was in control all of the time. It became so utterly boring.

We broke up. I hung up before I let her hear me cry. I learned something today for someone '"its ok to let someone see you're vulnerable and human." Annika was a good and amazing relationship. She was what I needed at the time. Next time I know that it is ok to get hurt. To let my tears shed, and to what to scream at everyone. i am only human.

I realize I have work to do on my own. I need to realize that not everyone is out to step all over me, and the best relationships are the scariest.
Wednesday, May 9th, 2007
12:39 pm
I take psych classes like there is no tomorrow.. and I honestly have no idea why. I have no idea what i want to do with my life. I hear from friends become a psychologist you are really easy to talk to.. but is that actually want i want from life. Do i want to listen to ppls problems all day? sounds like a great job right. .so for the last few weeks i havent been sure what i want from life.. job wise at least.

These last two days changed it all. I have a gay guy friend who on the outside if very stiff.. and has always appeared this way to me.. We have been chatting it up outside of work.. and last night after a social.. he invited me over for tea.. haha.. He said to me.. "something is wrong with me i dont open up like this,, i dont know u that well, and i never open up. you are so easy to talk to.." it hit me right then and there why i am taking psych classes.

I love to listen to ppl.. more than i love to talk.. I am going to b a psychologist.. no matter how long i have to b in school for it.. its worth it at the end of the road.
Sunday, May 6th, 2007
10:37 pm
Am I really a bitch? Or a meanie as my friend who hates that word would say? Am i really that hurtful or mean of a person? I have been told on more than one occassion and by more than one person recently that i am a bitch. Although partly joking i asked them what they meant by it. It is apparently that I am blunt and dont care what people think. Wtf happened to the old me? The sensitive me? The I cry during movies and when i get my heart broken. Have i just shut down emotionally?
Lately I havent really cared about a lot of things. Ok wrong way to word that. But I have tried not let my emotions get involved. After feeling so great i think this is my wall that i put up. I already had someone shatter it so i put the strongest wall up. Nobody in santa cruz has ever seen me cry or get emotional. They assume that that side of doestn exist. But my close friends think i am the most emo grl ever.

So what have i done. Have i turned into a cold heartless bitch?
And why?

Besides that. This weekend went pretty well. Hanging out with pplz..
and also missing pplz in LA .. a lot.

I know I belong here for school... but sometimes u miss those pplz
Friday, April 20th, 2007
8:00 pm
Holy cow! I think I've got one here
Now just what am I s'posed to do?
I've got a number of irrational fears
That I'd like to share with you
First, there's rules about old goats like me
Hangin' 'round with chicks like you -but i do like you-
And another one: you say "like" too much

But I'm shakin' at your touch
I like you way too much
My baby I'm afraid I'm falling for you
I'd do 'bout anything to get the hell out alive
or maybe I would rather settle down with you

Holy moly, baby wouldn't you know it?
Just as I was bustin' loose
I've gotta go turn in my rock star card
and get fat and old with you
'cuz I'm a burnin' candle you're a gentle moth
teaching me to lick a little bit kinder
and I do like you - you're the lucky one
No I'm the lucky one

I'm shakin' at your touch
I like you way too much
My baby I'm afraid I'm falling for you
I'd do 'bout anything to get the hell out alive
or maybe I would rather settle down with you

Holy sweet goddamn, you left your cello in the basement
I admired the glowing stars and tried to play a tune
I can't believe how bad I suck, it's true
What could you possibly see in little ol' 3-chord me?
But it's true - I do like you, and you like me too!
I'm ready, let's do it baby

I'm shakin' at your touch
I like you way too much
My baby I'm afraid I'm falling for you
I'd do 'bout anything to get the hell out alive
or maybe I would rather settle down with you
Tuesday, April 17th, 2007
6:19 pm
im in the paper.
i know it is corny but it just made me smile..
heres da article

Thursday, April 12th, 2007
8:28 pm
besides my rmate i feel like my housemates hate me.. nobody but my rmate and once n a while someone else at this place talk to me. i feel a lone.. thank gd for ppl in my life that i really love
Monday, February 26th, 2007
9:52 pm
im so sick of labels and categorization. So basiclly in society no matter what even if we are the outcast.. we still have to label ourselves as something.. whether it be based on our sexuality, religion, gender, race, ethnicity, etc.. why cant we just live our life without labels.. mabye if there were less labels there wouldnt b such prejudice in the society that we live in.. the worst part is that by defining ourselves by our labels wen we try to go outside the label we are frowned upon.. our label.. makes us a bubble.. we are stuck inside the bubble.. and the otehr ppl that are in that bubble respect u for ur label.. but if u start to change ur views or opinion the ppl in ur labeled area or bubble start to not like u as much and judge u.. but at the same time they are the goup that is promoting not to judge.. wat i wanna say is.. i wish we could just live ourlifes wihtout being confidened to what we define ourselves as.
Sunday, February 18th, 2007
2:16 am
so much fun.. dancing at gay club and for the firs ttiem there were actually lots of lots of grls.. yippe.. and so femme grls. .yippe.. and i actually dancign with grls. .so happy.. gotta luv ur gay guys that make u dance with them.. yippe.. lol.. im soo tired and happyish..

and i sidenote.. ive realized.. our friendship is not 50/50.. i know u have drama.. but sometimes u think hte littleist things are drama.. and not even listen to me. .its too muc about u
Monday, February 12th, 2007
9:35 am
soo pissed.. ive been planning this event for months n my boss calls "well we r gonna have to cancel it for now"
Saturday, February 10th, 2007
4:35 pm
i hate that theres soo many things to do tonite.. but i know that i should stay in tonite.. cuz of my huge ass midterm monday.. gd i hate that feeling.. of right and wrong.. and fun and boring
Thursday, February 8th, 2007
12:24 pm
im turning into the opposite... ive been keeping.. a lot of my emotions to myself.
Friday, December 1st, 2006
6:02 pm
food poisining sucks..
Monday, November 27th, 2006
7:37 am
fuckin scary. car accident.. 20car pile up .. us involved.
Saturday, November 18th, 2006
10:56 am
Pentagon guidelines that classified homosexuality as a mental disorder now place it among a list of conditions, circumstances, or "defects" that range from bed-wetting to fear of flying.
10:54 am
alhtough nobody noticed and has no idea. i still feel silly. its nothing big or trashy.. its more of the fact taht i think im dumb.. and if i was n e one else. id b hell ya no one saw its over.. but im not . im me.. i pull julias.. i overanalyze.. lol
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